


Saved

by Inkruse



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love Confessions, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 03:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19759678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkruse/pseuds/Inkruse
Summary: (Human Au) Lapis Lazuli is 20 years old now and still drowning in the thoughts of her dark past. Everything that happened with Jasper, with her group of friends "The Crystal Gems", Peridot. As she rekindles old friendships she continues to have depression and anxiety consume her thoughts. She only wishes to be saved.~~~~~~~DISCLAIMER~~~~~~~This story is based VERY HEAVILY on the relationships I have had throughout my life(except with romance). This means even the darker details and thoughts during an abusive relationship. I highly recommend not reading if mental and physical abuse triggers you in any way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is my first book in a hell of a long time and I really want it to be amazing. If you see something that's wrong or just want to let me know if it sucks then tell me.

It was the end of Lapis Lazili's 8th grade year in high school and her friend Nephrite had just turned 15. Nephrite was having a party after school to celebrate. A nice warm fire, cupcakes, and good company. Since Lapis was her best friend she was thrilled but also obligated to help her bake cupcakes for the day; which after school ended that day they happily did at her house.

\--Lapis Pov.--

"Nelly can you pass the frosting? I wanna make this one look like a butt." I snickered. 

"Oh stars, please don't. My mom wants to eat some of these you know." She lightly slapped my arm and giggled as I did it anyways. We both giggled harder and I snorted as her mom entered the kitchen only giving us an inquisitive look before sitting down on a barstool to look at our handywork. 

"They look nice. You guys got a lot done despite...." She just rolled her eyes when she saw the buttcake, "being distracted. She then went into the connecting living room and sat on the couch trying to find a show to watch. 

We finished making the rest of the cupcakes and washed the dishes afterwords while laughing and goofing off. We started talking avout how odd it was so many people were named after jems in our town and Nelly's mom must've heard us since she chimed in.  
"A while back Mayor Dewy couldn't get anyone to actually stay in this town. He decided that he would make houses free to anyone who actually dared name one of their kids after a gem. After that people just came flooding in. Most people just came here because of convenience."  
Me and Nelly looked at each other and knew that we obviously got free houses then and both giggled. Price to pay for a nice house I guess. We going to go sit and watch Tv with Nephrite's mom but there was a big weight bothering me. I needed it off my chest. 

"Nelly can we go outside? I want to talk to you a bit..." I quietly said, barely loud enough for her to hear it. 

"Uh... sure come with me." She grabbed my hand and let me out the door of the house and to a set of cement stairs that led to nowhere. 

"What did you need?" She asked as I just twittled with my thumbs. The fresh woods air was nice and it helped me think a little more clearly. 

"Well..." I looked at her and then back at my hands trying to figure out how to put my distressing feelings into words. 

"You can tell me anything, I'll never judge you." And I smiled. I knew she wouldn't judge me and that's why we were friends. 

"Everyone always talks about having crushes on guys but I've never had one." I said blankly. She looked at me, a bit stunned. I continued. 

"I have even tried to even force myself to try to like Brandon, or Jason, or any guy." She looked a bit shocked at this one. 

"I thought you liked Jason though, you always seem to flirt with him." She had her eyes up like she was picturing it now. 

"Yeah but.... I don't know..... I just don't feel anything... like at all." I remembered once trying to read a book where the straight couple had sex. It made me feel all weird and grossed out. 

"I don't think I like penis. At all." I giggled a bit. Penis. At least Nelly laughed with me a bit.

"You know what this all means then right?" She examined my face for an answer as I sat in silence. 

I didn't want to admit it but I think I knew. I just sat staring at where the long green grass met the concrete before deciding the quiet was unbearable. 

"Yea..... I've only ever felt real things around girls." I then remembered the time I saw a musical preformance where a girl walked down the isle and sang. Her voice and the way she walked, oh it made my legs tremble. And dont get me started on how she dressed. Just enough showing to.... stop Lapis. You're getting those tingles again. 

"I think I might be a lesbian." My voice cracked. 

Another few senconds od stunned silence from both partys. 

I just said that?

"You know that its not really..... natural..... right?" She was clearly uncomfortable with the conversation now as she played with her hands in her lap. 

"I KNOW!" I was almost in tears thinking about eveything. "My parents don't like gays! They say it's a gross choice and that they need help! What's worse is.... is...." I couldn't finish. I can't agree to something like this. Right? 

God didn't make me this way so obviously I'm just making an immoral decision. Right?

"God doesn't make people gay Lapis..." she said blandly. Emotionless. 

"I... i...." I felt some hot tears threaten to fall. I just let my words trail off and that was the end of the conversation. 

Nelly got up from the stairs and with one last sad smile went back into the house, leaving me to my thoughts on the steps. I then lay down in the grass and stared at the blue sky and the pine trees all around me. It was beautiful outside. Such an awful day to be so sad. My tears still rolled from my eyes and plopped on the grass. 

Gay? It's wrong right? A choice. My parents always told me that it was. But I didn't chose this. I didn't chose to get these weird feelings around other girls that were pretty. Like that volleyball player who had a really nice~STOP! What are these thoughts! Oh stars, what's happening to me? I lay and cried for I don't even know how long. All I know is Nelly eventually told me guests would be coming soon. And I walked into the house again drying my eyes. 

It was now just past 8 and eveyone was around the fire making smores. Except me. There was something -well someone- on my mind. She is taller then me and darker skinned, and she has vitiligo. She mentioned it when we were talking earlier. We had been talking nonstop since she got to the party and honestly she was really sweet. Her name was Jasper Kestril. Eveyone around the fire laughed and joked. And soon startrd up a good ol' game of Truth or dare. 

"Jasper! Truth or dare!" A girl with long curly pink hair asked her, a mischievous smile on her face. 

"Truth." She said, glancing back at me, then at the girl. 

"Ugh damnit..." she said as she turned to one of my friends, Jane. They wispered back and forth until the girl smiled. 

"If you had to pick one guy and kne girl to date out of everyone in this group who would you choose?" She then crossed her arms and smirked. 

Jasper flushed a bit and then looked back at me. Then to the curly haired girl. 

"Uh.... I'd have to go with um...." she pointed to one of Nelly's friends named Chris. Then the pointed to me, blushing furiously. I did the same. 

The curly haired girl and Jane both made kissy noises at us and smirked. I later found out the girls name was Rose. 

After an excruciatingly awkward game of truth or dare we played a game called "Ghosts in the Graveyard". 

"So one person stands here with their eyes shut and counts to 50. While they're counting eveyone who is not it needs to run and hide. And when you hear whoever is it shout GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD you have to run right back here to the center point without getting tagged." 

I smirked. I had two younger brothers so I was great at hiding. And after eveyone understood the directions Nelly started counting and we all scurried off into the dark woods.

It just so happened that Japer ran with me to hide. You're cute but you're going to get us caught. Ugh.

We dove under a tree and hid behind some bushes, out of breath from running. 

"You know... when I thought of panting and being out of breath with another girl this isn't what I had in mind." I said slyly. But then I realized what I said and hid my face. Jasper sat there in shock. (Guys I actually said this)

"Uh.... yeah me either I guess...." she was blushing again, almost like it was her natural skin tone at this point. Her hand brushed mine and we looked at each other and then away. Then we hear a yell and I booked it. 

Ugh. Stupid thoughts. Stupid weird non stright non hetero thoughts.

Months had passed since that night with Jasper and we had been talking and sending memes back and forth. It was a new school year and 9th grade me was ready. Especially ready when I remembered Jasper would be there. I always smiled when I saw it was her. I got butterflies when I saw her in the halls in school, and when I saw her smile at me as we passed each other. I liked her. 

A few weeks later into the fall she asked me out. I said yes. But when I realized she was dating a guy named Topaz I got angry. And what I though was rightfully so. She was cheating on me. Or was she cheating on him? Either way I broke it off. She got very sad and said she was going to hurt herself. I felt guilty.  
Should've been the first hint to keep away  
I cared for her, Jasper was a nice girl. And so a few days later when there was a homecoming football game I took her to the top of the hill that overlooked the field. We sat together for a bit beford I pulled out a small dragon necklace and looked at her.  
"Jasper, I'm sorry for getting mad and for hurting your feelings. Will you be my girlfriend?" As the sun set to a orangey red color Jasper hugged me and said yes. And we lay peacefully watching the rest of the game. 

~~Present day~~

Lapis lay in her bed with her headphones in and music blasting. The soothing sound of i love you by Billie Eilish calming some nerves. Though it didnt help me remebering all the events that led her to this broken state.  
She turned to the side of her bed to her nightstand to check her alarm clock which said it was 3 am. She sighed as she pulled her knees to her chest and let out a small dry sob. She just wanted sleep to take her away into it's tight embrace; soon after her last sob it did. 

~  
"Lapis please. You would let me touch you if you loved me." Jasper looked at me with puppy eyes trying to get me to let her.... touch my body. 

She had me pressed firmly against a wall in her house. Her mom had left for Zumba and it was just us. God I wish she hadn't left. 

"I don't feel comfortable Jasper. I... I don't like it when you try to touch my boobs, or when you try to get me to talk about sex." I firmly wanted to wait until marrige. I always have. Its been a thing for me not just because of the church I was raised in but my own wants. 

"Lapis come onnnnnnn. You know I love you." She ghosted her breath on my neck. "I plan on marrying you so why can't I just have a little..." she gropped my breasts "feel." She smiled but I moved her hands and away from her angerly. 

"Japser I said no." Firm.

Unmoving. Its what I wanted to be. 

"Jasper yes." I saw the anger in her eyes and I gulped. I hated when she was angry. She pushed me to the wall roughly and groped my breasts once again, this time pinning me there so I couldn't move.  
I hated it. I hated her touching me when I didn't want it. Why couldn't she just listen to no. I actually felt a tear slide down my cheek as I let her do with me as she wanted. I mean, if i fought back or argued she could hit me Would hit me? Or leave me. 

"I love you Lapis. And I know nobody will ever love you like I do. Nobody will do what I do because you're mine." Jasper finally let go of me and when she saw my tears she stoppd smiling. 

"What? You didn't like it? You know I try SO HARD to make you happy! Why can't you just be happy with me?!" She was shouting and getting in my face. I just cried. 

I woke up still crying, sweating profusely.

Oh god, they're coming back. 

Hyperventilating Lapis looked at her phone and saw she only slept 3 hours. 6 am. She knew that Peridot would want to hear about her dream. She always did. Every time Lapis would have a bad dream Peridot would skype her and talk her down from her awful mood. 

While contemplating calling her she was surprised when she heard the familiar sound of skype go off on her phone. 

Perry Berry❤ 

My contact name for her made me smile even just a small bit as I answered. Though still quite shaken from my dream I mustered up as pleasant of a good morning as I could to try to not have her worry over me. I failed.

As soon as she saw the tear streaks she became very concerned and kept asking me questions. 

"What happened? You didn't cut again did you? You didn't yourself right? You didn't take any pills or use any blades or..." 

"Peri I'm.... physically fine." I said, smiling a little at how she rambled. Her concern was... cute. As it always was. She frowned 

"Was it another one of....the touching... dreams?" She asked gently. 

"Yea...." I said, feeling the tears prick my eyes again. 

"Hey, its okay. Lapis I promise as soon as today is over I'll be on my was back. Im visiting home for a bit since honestly missing a few days of classes would do me some good. I'm practically teaching the teacher in my engineering class. That clod." I smiled just a small bit. She is amazing friend and gosh I dont deserve her. 

"You don't have to come all this way to see me. That's a good 4 hour drive Peri..."

"I know I don't have to. I want to. I miss my best friend. I could almost say... it's no prob Bob." I smiled for real this time and I saw her eyes sparkle when she saw it. She always gets so happy when I smile. 

"It's Lapis." I giggled. And she giggled too.

~memory~

I was laying on the dirt of the school playground; I had taken a hard fall off the monkey bars and knocked all the air from my lungs.  
"Need help there stranger?" I heard a rather nasaly girly voice say somewhere around me. 

"Sure?" I stuck my hand up in no particular direction since I still hadn't seen the face to the voice. I was then hoisted off the ground by a short girl with short choppy blonde hair shaped oddly like a dorito. 

"Thanks.." I mumbled, dusting the dirt off my pants. 

"No prob bob." She said smiling. 

"It's Lapis." 

She just looked at me with a straight but confused face. 

~end memory~ 

"Lappy?" 

I was snapped back into reality. 

"Ye...yes?" 

"You should tell me your dream. It'll make you feel better. It always does." 

"Okay." She was right. Talking about it always helped. 


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live laugh love they say.

A day had passed since my dream and when I woke up this morning I was greeted with tears again. More dreams. More memories.  
I sat up on the edge of my bed and looked at the time and knew that I had to get ready for work. I got out of bed and proceeded to put my hair in it's usual messy bun. My blue hair was sadly turning back to dark brown; roots now starting to pop out and I knew I would need to re-dye my hair at some point.

After brushing my teeth and putting on a clean work uniform I grabbed my keys and locked the door behind me before walking to work. 

It was a small store called the Big Donut. We originally were just a small donut shop but it eventually changed into a fast food chain after making enough money to expand. 

As soon as I walked into the store I was greeted by a crowd all waiting at the front counters and a constant ding to signify a drive through car. 

I swung the door to the back counter workspace to see the friendly and overly happy face of my manager Greg.

He was running around the store trying to hand food out the window to the person at the drive through while also answering a question from over the intercom; also juggling scooping fries and bagging food items for front counter.

He only then realized I was there when he almost ran into me in his stress induced running. 

"Hey Lazuli. Whenever you want to clock in would be great. We're beating sales by 3,000 bucks today." 

I could see the stress from his very sweaty forhead and hear it in the tone of his voice. 

I turned on my heel to the front counter and walked to one of the computers and stuck my thumb on the scanner. The monitor lit up as it recognized me and I pressed the Clock in button. 

It was a stressful day indeed. It took 6 hours of nonstop drive and frontline costomers before it cleared enough. And by that time it was 9 pm. 

I took the freetime to take a quick 10 outside and sat on the curb and checked my phone. 

3 missed calls.

Eh. I unlocked my phone to look who they were from. 

3 missed calls from Peri

Oh shit! I totally forgot she was coming up to see me this weekend. 

Lazuli- Oh my stars so sorry! I am at work so I won't be home for another 3 hours. We can hang tmw tho. Love ya😘

I sent the text and sat on the curb and pulled out my vape. I let the sweet taste of my blueberry CBD oil rush through me and calm my nerves. I jumped a little when I felt a buzz from my phone. 

Peri- It's all good. I figured you were at work when you didn't answer, I'm not a total clod you know. However, I just wanted you to know I have a suprise for you.

I smiled and felt a fluttering in my chest but ignored it as i was hung up on the suprise element. 

What could she mean? Peridot and her suprises can be a little scary. She's smart and always knows how to either scare the absolute shit out of me or suprise me in the most pleasant ways. 

"LAZ WE NEED YOU! JUST GOT A BUS!" Greg's shout ripped me from my thoughts and I begrudgingly returned to work. 

Finally 10 pm rolled around. I had managed to wash all the dishes and only needed to finish mopping the lobby and lock the doors. Infact, I was just about to lock the doors when I heard the familiar creak as the door behind me opened. Mop still in my hand I sighed. 

"Sorry we're actually closing our lobby for..." I turned and saw none other then my best friend with a huge grin on her face.

I dropped the mop and tackled her into a hug almost making us both fall. We both giggled and I huged her tight and lifted the shorter girl from the floor.

"Oh my stars you're here!" I yelled and I had a hint of a tear in my eye. 

"Duh you clod. I said I had a suprise. Which is me." She deadpanned while still grinning. "Also, you're crushing my air passages and I might die." I sqeaked in response and dropped her. 

She stood up as tall as she could and and held out a paper bag to me. 

"It's for the one and only Lapis." 

I smiled and jokingly ripped it from her grasp and opened it. 

"Oh my stars, you have no idea how bad I needed this." I exhaustedly stated while pulling out a coffee. "After the day I've had I feel like I need 20 more."

Greg spoke through my headset to tell me that I still needed to lock the doors. 

"Can I let her stay a bit though, I promise she won't distract me... too much." Peridot slapped my arm but smiled. Greg agreed and I thanked him. 

"I guess I'll have to call you Lapis Lazui the professional floor mopper huh?" Said Peri, who was sitting on the frontline counter kicking her legs like a small child while I finished mopping the rest of the lobby. 

"Obviously. Surely you noticed how pristine these floors are." I waved my hand to the floor in a grand Vanna White gesture while grinning. We both giggled and I went back to mopping.

"Never seen you this happy Lazuli. Maybe you should have her here more often." Greg joked before going back to counting the money from inside the tills.

Soon after Peridot and I left my work and she drove me home while we laughed and caught up.

Walking up the stairs of my apartment complex Peridot walked in front of me. With a clear view of her ass. 

Stars has it always been this big? Wait what the fuck am I thinking? Peri is my best friend. This is so not acceptable. 

~memory~

I walked into the dressing room full of other theatre kids getting ready feeling like shit and looking totally unacceptable. I was only stage crew but I still had to wear all black when moving the set pieces around. 

I felt sick though and I didn't look at anyone. Last night.... was awful.   
~

I looked at the bottle of pills on my nightstand and back at the note I had written. I couldn't take it. Jasper was right. Nobody else could possibly love me. I am nobody and worthless. All I did was shove people away and hurt them. Maybe I am mentally abusive like Jasper says. And I don't want to turn out like my father. Hurting everyone around him with not only words but fists. I grabbed the bottle of water next to me and took a big swig and then as many pills as I could allow myself to swallow.   
~ 

I didnt take enough pills and now my stomach was writhing and my head was pounding. I had thrown up at least 5 times this morning as well. 

I could feel tears in my eyes begin to form and I saw that everyone else was leaving the room since play practice was about to start. 

Our group consisted of 10 people. There was a few people I wasn't close with, one I knew a little, then 1 good friend; Lapis.   
It was a small 30 minute play we put on for competition, called a 1 act play. We were so close to competition and our play was simply amazing. 

"Lapis. Are you okay? You haven't spoken all day." Peridot's voice inturupted my thoughts. 

I looked up with tears now leaving my eyes and she instinctively jumped over to me and put her arms around me. 

No. I cant let her be close to a monster like me. I will only hurt her. Like I hurt everyone else in my life. 

I pushed her away and leaned against the wall slowly sliding into a fetal postion. Tears now freely flowed and I let out a sob. 

"You should stay away from me Peridot. I'm a horrible person." She flinched at hearing me talk like this. I knew she hated when I talked like this about myself. 

"Lapis, no. You're my best friend. Now what's going on. I know you aren't okay." She sat next to me and put her hand on mine, lacing our fingers together while I slightly flinched.

"Was it Jasper again?" A flash of anger in her eyes at the mere mention of her name. 

"No....no.." I didn't want to tell her but shes my only friend at this point. 

"Peridot I need to tell you what happened. And promise me you won't tell anyone... let anyone know." 

"Yes of course. And I've still got a few minutes since they're not at my part in the play." She was now holding both my hands in hers and her expression was now very worried. 

"I....i.... well last night I was really depressed and..." my sobs were making it very difficult to even choke out the words, "I wrote a letter to my family and friends. I put on my nicest pair of pants and my favorite shirt and I took as many pills in my sleeping bottle as I could... and..." 

I heard a sob come from her and I looked to see tears flowing down her eyes. 

"Im sorry Peridot. I shouldn't have told you I..." she then attacked me in a hug and I couldn't help but cry into her shirt. Her arms around me were comforting, strong, supporting. 

"Don't be sorry you clod. I'm not good with words but I think you must know that I really care for you. You're my best friend Lapis. I love you man." She deadpanned as I cried into her chest, letting out a little stort laugh at her comment, though still wrecked with tears.

We sat like this for a few minutes, her thumb rubbing gently over my back while I slowly stopped quivering and from my anguish. I felt her move her hands and she grabbed my chin to look into my now bloodshot eyes. 

"Lapis you promise me you will never do this again. Ever. You are so important not just to me but everyone else. You change the world around you and it's amazing how you don't even notice. The way you impact people's lives and make people happy even when you aren't is amazing. You're a spectacular person Lapis..." she paused and looked down, moving her hands from my face to my hands and once again entangling our fingers, "Jasper doesn't deserve you. Maybe someday you will see that but she really doesn't treat you right and you have to see this. You need someone who will treat you right." She smiled and her eyes locked with mine. 

Her eyes were puffy and red from crying as well and her makeup was messed up but stars was she beautiful. Her green eyes reminded me of the forests. Specks of light green here and there like the sun when it shone through the forest to kiss the leaves with a bright green. The darker splatters only highlighted the lighter parts, making me get even more lost in her eyes.

I could feel a heat across my face that spread down my to shoulders. When I finally tore my eyes from Peridot's face I saw the same blush on her face and I realized just how close our faces were. I could've sworn I saw her eyes dart to my lips for even just a second. 

Then a loud and crude voice broke the moment, "Peridot it's almost your time! Get out here!"

~ back to the present~

I must've been lost in my thoughts for a while because when I got out of my trance I saw Peridot in front of me gripping my shoulders. 

"You almost fell backwards down the steps are you okay?" She looked worried and studied my face. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." I shrugged. She kept just looking at my face like she was trying to remember every detail.

"Whenever you want to stop admiring my beautiful features and continue up the steps let me know. Preferably have it be sometime this year through." I deadpanned, though it cracked into a small smile. 

She blushed and continued up the steps saying nothing. 

"Maybe you are beautiful... too bad you don't see it..." I heard her mumble but didn't say anything. 

When we finally got inside my apartment we both were silent and sat on my couch. I turned to face her as she was just looking forwards looking pretty tired.

"So... do you have a place to stay while you're up from college?" I gave her an inquisitive look and she just let out a soft no. 

"My parents didn't want anything to do with me after I came out. With my dad being a pastor and my mom teaching at a Catholic school there wasn't a bone in by body that didn't know this would happen." She let out a sad sigh and let her head fall back on the couch as she stared at the ceiling. 

"Lapis, I know you don't like talking about it but..." She paused and rubbed her chin thoughtfully, still looking at the ceiling. I just sat next to her with my legs crossed and still in my work uniform. 

"I just wanted to know how you're doing after everything with Jasper. I know you guys broke it off like, 5 months ago but I worry you know? You're my favorite friend and I don't want you to be hurt." She was now looking at me and twittling her thumbs a bit. 

"Peri, I have been having a hard time with coping if I'm being honest. I got in trouble with the police for underage consumption and had to do community service. And all these memories that are always here in my mind that never leave. Like when she would hit me or touch...." 

She put her hand on my knee and I just looked at my lap, not being able to finish my sentence. 

"Lapis I'm not the best with emotions but I'm always here. Always." She let out a small smile before continuing. "Which is why I payed for you to come and watch our schools play on the 30th of May. I actually had called your work and told them this was a suprise so they gave it off, if you didn't already have it off. I think it's a good way to make up for not hanging out a lot if I do say so myself" She smiled to herself, looking proud.

I smiled and hugged her tight. It was odd how we fit together so easily, As I pulled away I let her see the grin which I couldn't wipe off my face. 

"I promise I'll go. For you."

~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus these are taking longer then I wanted. I hope that its okay so far. Im trying y'all. Well after this chapter I'm going to go really in depth with everything that happened between Lapis and Jasper. It could get a little NSFW fyi. Anyways thats all. 
> 
> -Azrael


	3. Grooming

This chapter will only be Japser and Lapis's past. It will be triggering as it does have mental, sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Feel free to skip to the next chapter as it will pick up where the last one did. This chapter is purely here to show what happened in their relationship]  
Grooming- the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.   
\--------------------  
I lay in my bed with my earbuds in listing to Dreams of William from the Life is Strange soundtrack. (Brilliant game by the way)

Peridot was on the couch sleeping with at least 4 blankets. I offered to sleep on the couch so she could sleep soundly in my bed after a day of driving but she refused. 

Now here I lay, alone in my room with just my thoughts and music. I sat thinking of all of the memories I had of Jasper.

Where will I go?  
When the only home I've known is ashes now  
How will I know when the only love I'm shown is so changeable?  
How do I grow then, when I've been alive for the best part of my life  
Feeling alone

No. Stop. Stop feeling sad for yourself. You're happy. I forced myself to smile as I pulled the earphones out. 

Peridot was here. She could make things better. Or could she? She had been trying for the past year to make me forget and no matter how hard I tried I still had nightmares, or flinched when someone yelled, or constantly apologized for things I knew weren't my fault. I tried on a daily basis to forget about things but I ached at remembering. There was so much good that Jasper and I had in our time togehter. 

Well, there were a few things wrong though.

She made me promise to delete snapchat from my phone since when we were talking over skype she didn't want me talking to other people. She also made me cut my friendship with Nephrite. And even though Pearl, Ruby, Sapphire, Rose, Greg and I weren't the closest of friends Jasper still didn't want me talking to them. I would ask her why and she would only say that they're not good friends. Sure sometimes they would make jokes that were a little offensive but it was all in good fun.   
The one thing she wanted me to was something I couldn't.   
\----  
"Babe you need to stop talking to Peridot." Jasper said one day as we sat in the hall together, her hand on my arm. 

"Why? She's my best friend. And I thought you liked her. You always say hi to her." I looked at her a little hurt. Peridot never did anything to her. 

"If you don't then obviously you don't love me over her. It's me or her Lapis." She gripped my arm a little too tight but I was used to it by now. 

"Jasper please... I can't do that to her..." I was really hurt now. I didn't talk to anyone outside school becides Jasper. And now in school I had no friends becides Jasper and Peridot. I had pushed them all away for Jasper. 

"You're seriously going to pick her over me?!" She shouted as she got up. "These rings I bought as a promise, do they mean nothing to you!?" She was really loud and by now a few people were staring at us. I didn't care. Now I was angry. 

"Jasper she is the only other friend I have left. You can't make me forget her just because youre you're jealous!" I was yelling back now, and I saw a dangerous look in her eye. 

"I'd have nothing to be jealous of if you didn't flirt with her all the time!" She growled and then gave me a dark look. I looked at the promise ring on my hand in anger. Promise we won't fight anymore if you give us another shot Lapis. I love you Lapis. Yeah right.

"You know what Japser? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you making me leave everyone. We're over." I then took the promise ring off my finger and threw it to the ground. Turning on my heel I stormed away. 

"Not like it's the first time you've called a quits Lazuli!" I heard her growl from behind me. 

The bell then rang and I grabbed my Ipad from my locker and went to class. I put on my headphones and listened to music. My music didn't help and halfway through I felt guilty. Many times before this I promised her I wouldn't leave. She always told me how if I did she would kill herself and how I was the only girl for her. How she wanted to marry me one day. And how if I left she would never be okay again. I felt bad and needed to make it up to her. To apologize. I pulled up my email and typed in Jasper's name. 

Lapis- meet me in the bathroom in 5 minutes. Please.

Jasper- fine.

I left my seat and waited in the bathroom. What would I say? What would I do? I heard the door open and Japser angerly looked at me. 

"What do you want?" She growled, clearly not wanting to talk. 

Talking wouldn't work. Great. Plan B. 

I put my hands on her face as she flinched but I pressed my lips to hers. I could feel her sink into the kiss and she let out a growl as she flipped us so I was against the wall. She kissed my roughly and grabbed my arm. Before she did anything else though we both heard the door creak and we pulled away quickly. Though we were both breathless we played it off and walked back to our separate classes. 

Ugh. I'm such a dumbass. Why can't I just stay away?

\---------

Jasper has me roughly pinned to the floor as she kissed me. I let out a happy sigh as I kissed back. 2 years. Wow. 

She stopped for a moment and grinned down at me with her hands laced with mine pressed to the floor. 

"You're beautiful. Nobody will ever love you the way I do." She then kissed my neck and I giggled. 

"Your hair, your smile, your boobs, your eyes, your curves. Everything." I smiled. She never complimented me like this. 

"You too my gem." I kissed her nose. She then moved her hands to my waist. 

"Lapis.... we've been together for 2 years now. Do you think I could.... at least touch..." she flicked her eyes down. 

"I...I...Jasper...."

"I mean we don't have to but I just... if you really do love me and plan on marrying me why not?" She smiled at me.

"Jasper I want to wait until marrage. I always have." She sighed and sat down. 

"Lapis it's been 2 years. I have barely seen any of you. Let alone touched you. Don't you think I at least deserve something?" 

\-------------

I cried into my pillow heavily as I waited for Jasper to call me. I knew she was cheating on me. And stars I hated her for it but I still loved her nevertheless. 

The farmiliar ring sounded as my phone came to life. I let out one last sob before trying to compose myself and hitting answer. 

"Hey babe." Jasper said happily though the speaker. 

"Hey...." I choked out. 

"Lapis what's wrong?" She sounded concerned. 

"Nothing." I blandly said while feeling a little more composed. 

"No. Lapis we talked about this. If we want to make us work we have to follow our rules. We have to tell the truth. And be faithful." 

I scoffed and she heard it.

"What?" She was now a little irritated. 

"Jasper I know you're cheating on me. And I know it's with Topas again." I heard her laugh. 

"You're going crazy Lapis..." 

"No Japser. I saw you kiss his cheek." I spat back and waited for a response. Nothing. 

"Wow. This is what I get? For everything? For all my time and energy this is what I get!?" I was uncontrollably angry. 

"Lapis I'm only doing it because I want to make sure you're the one. Like, how can I just jump right into something as serious as us? I want to make sure I love you. That I want to marry you." 

I angrly let out a snort. 

"Thats your excuse? You're cheating out of love? Yeah fucking right." 

"Lapis you have to belive me. I just want to be sure you're the one!" I heard a loud smash noise and then swearing.

"I'll call you back later. I think I broke my hand." 

\-----------

I was in the darkroom in the art classroom drawing out my stained glass design when the door opened, shut, and locked. 

"Hey Lappy..." 

I turned and saw Jasper standing there. She grabbed my shirt collar and kissed me roughly. 

"Ugh Jasper not right now. I wa t to get this done." We had been on and off again dating for 3 1/2 years now. She had cheated on me twice. I told her that one more mistake and I was gone. And maybe it was cold but I didnt care. I felt exhausted. I no longer cried when she would touch me without permission. When she would beg me to touch her I just accepted that if I argued it meant she'd either hurt me or herself. I really had no choice. 

"Lapis come on we haven't done anything in a month." She left open mouthed kisses on my neck as I kept drawing on the light table. 

"Jasper come on. Not now." I barely finished my words before she slid her hands into my pants and a finger into me 

"Oo...ow. Jasper please stop...." I breathed out. I wanted to fight this. I wanted to have a choice. This was not okay, we were in a public place! In a school! She pressed into me harder and I yelped in pain. She grinned against my neck since she thought I liked it.

Then they came flooding. All the other times. At her house after her mom left to get food and she pinned me to the floor in her bedroom and despite many firm Stops she tried to finger me. Or when we went to see a movie and she put her hand in my pants, put mine into hers and told me she would leave me if I didn't touch her.....

I couldn't do this anymore.

I ripped myself away from her and went to open the door before Jasper caught my hand. 

"Ugh babe come on, don't be such a downer." 

"I am not a downer and I most certainly will not come on! I'm done Jasper. I dont want you to do this to me." I then opened the door and stomped out before slamming it behind me. I told my teacher I needed a walk and only giving me a concerned headnod and yes I left the classroom. I had no direction in mind other then away.

\---

Many nights I would go home and find myself sitting in the bathroom staring at myself. My own face seemed so..... alien. My eyes had dark bags under them, my hair now more brown then blue due to lack of motivation, and my whole body just looked abused. Without any sweatshirts or plaid overshirts I could clearly see the bruises that lined my upper arms and the cuts that I usually hid beneath my watch and bracelets. Without being able to cry cutting was the only thing that released my pain. Feeling the pain and watching the blood wash away was almost.... therapeutic. 

\---------summer-------

Stars only knows how many weeks into the summer of senior year Peridot was staying with me at my house. Time was really just a blurr after everything with school and Jasper. But Peridot helped me while she was at my house. When I would stay up feeling suffocated Peridot was there. She needed a place to stay since her parents went on a vacation cruise for 2 they won free from the casino. 

Peridot had convinced me that my hair needed re-dying and of course I only agreed. It was almost completly back to it's brunette orgins.   
Peridot sat on the edge of my bathtub as I sat inbetween her legs on the floor feeling her nimble fingers massage the coloring into my hair. 

"Now we just put that bag over your head and wait a while." Peridot laughed as she went to grab the bag. 

"Not over my head you dumbass. Over my hair." I managed a weak smile while putting it over my hair; not my head as Peridot had suggested. 

As Peridot got up and moved from around me we heard my phone ring from the living room table. 

"Ugh... who is it Peri?" I asked, still sititng on the tub. Peridot grabbed my phone and still in full view I saw her eyes widened with suprise but then narrowed in anger as she clicked hang up. 

"It was...Jasper..." She said through her teeth. I looked down at my lap. I had lied to her and said we had offically broke it off when we didn't. It was the only way I didn't have to choose between Jasper and Peridot. 

"I....Per I can..."

She was now walking back into the bathroom and standing over me with her hands on her hips.

"No Lapis. You can't just Per me. You lied!" She waved her hands angerly and I flinched. She saw this and then her eyes filled with sadness, or possibly the look of pitty. Ugh. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to have to chose between her or you."

"Well Lapis, I'm sorry to break it to you but now you do." Her voice was filled with sadness and my head shot up to look at her. Her face was darkened and she had a face of both anger and sadness. Like she was in pain just saying this.

"Wh...what?" I was stunned. 

"Lapis I can't see you this depressed anymore. You tried to kill yourself for stars sake! Stop being a fucking CLOD! SHE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU! FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU FOR REAL NOT JUST FOR SEX! FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU FOR YOU! SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU LIKE I DO BUT BETTER! SO CHOOSE LAPIS! HER OR ME!"

Silence. 

"Peridot...." I could feel my throat close and my vision blur but I knew I wouldn't cry. I couldn't anymore. I just felt empty. The room around me seemed to close and get darker and I couldn't breathe. I felt stuck. Trapped. I had fallen into the tub at this point and was now curled up into a ball. 

"NYEH! I'm sorry for saying anything. It was a stupid impulsive thing to say. I know you still love her but damnit I love you too! You're my favorite friend and the best family I have. I can't watch you get hurt like this! It's killing me to watch you slowly wither away into yourself.... all I want to do is help you Lapis." She sat down on the tub and looked at the floor, her back to me. 

"Then help me." I said.

"What?" I saw her body freeze. 

"Help. Me." 

We sat in silence. Maybe because not once in 4 years had I ever uttered those words. But now I knew I couldn't do it by myself. I knew that after years of being with Jasper that I would not be able to personally break it off. Jasper would find a way back in like she always did. So I need someone to take control for me. I became dependent on companionship and now I was slowly dying for it.

"Yes." She then sat in the tub becide me with my phone in her hand. Taking her hand in mine I instinctively flinched when she touched my wrist, prompting her to move my sweatshirt sleeve to see the now dried cuts. I could see a tear roll down her cheek and I moved my finger to catch it. 

"After this Lapis..... never again." She looked into my eyes and I only nodded. She took my hand that was still laced with hers and helped me click on Jasper's name in my contact list. Then together we pressed block. We then did that with every single app I had contact with her on. 

After we were finished I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding and smiled. 

"Thank you Peri." I smiled as much as I could and looked at her. Her eyes were twinkling with happiness at the sight of my genuine smile. "I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulder and.... it feels....empty but nice." I then realised our hands were still entwined and smiled softly. I then hugged her like I've never hugged anyone before. She just hugged me back the same way. 

"Lapis. I want to do something." She wispered into my ear. Pulling away from the hug she got up and out of the tub and held out both hands to me. I took them and she pulled me up and led me down the hallway to the livingroom. 

"Just bear with me Lappy." She took her phone from her pocket and typed something up. Then I heard the soft beat start and she grabbed my hands. 

Call it magic  
Call it true  
Call it magic  
When I'm with you  
And I just got broken  
Broken into two  
Still I call it magic  
When I'm next to you

Peridot smiled at me and I just giggled. As she swung us around. 

And I don't, and I don't, and I don't, and I don't  
No, I don't,  
It's true  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't  
No, I don't,  
It's true  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

Peridot loooked me in the eyes as she sang; pushing me for the first time in years to sing too.

Ooooh ooh ooh

Call it magic  
Cut me into two  
And with all your magic  
I disappear from view  
And I can't get over  
Can't get over you  
Still I call it magic  
You're such a precious jewel

And I don't, and I don't and I don't, and I don't  
No, I don't,  
It's true  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't  
No, I don't,  
It's true  
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't want anybody else but you

She gripped my hands a little tighter and I squeezed back. 

Wanna fall  
I fall so far  
I wanna fall  
I fall so hard  
And I call it magic  
And I call it true  
I call it magic

Ooooh ooh ooh  
Ooooh ooh ooh  
Ooooh ooh ooh  
Ooooh ooh ooh

And if you were to ask me  
After all that we've been through  
Still believe in magic?  
Oh yes I do  
Oh yes I do  
Yes I do  
Oh yes I do  
Of course I do.

We finished singing with the song, both giggled and tripping over each other

Falling we lay in a laughing heap on the floor as she then sat up and smiled. 

"Lapis I know it'll take a while to get over her but I will be here ever step of the way." Her eyes shone with a love I've never seen before and I felt a little flutter in my chest. 

"I know. That's why I love you Perry Berry." She smiled and then laughed again. 

"Let's get that bag off your head."

\---------------

This was.... surprisingly difficult to write. I hope you enjoy. But also know that there will always be a way out of a situation like the one depicted. My best friend got my out of my situation and I endlessly thank her for that. 

-Azrael


	4. Expunged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot knows something is wrong and Lapis didn't hide her feelings for once

Peridot pov.-

To say I'm not much of a morning person is an understatement. My hair always found a way too make me look like a ruffled lion, drool always dried on my face, and looking like a complete mess. Honestly I'm not sure how anyone could be a morning beauty. Like Lapis. 

Lapis had wandered out of her room about an hour after I had gotten up which gave me time to buy pancake mix and make a rather large stack of pancakes, and two nice steaming cups of coffee. 

Lapis sleepily walked to where I was sitting, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Thanks for the coffee Peridot." Lapis sleepily mumbled while taking a seat on a stool next to mine. 

"Yeah, I had some time so I figured I'd repay you for letting me crash here." I rubbed the back of my neck and then got up to grab the plate of pancakes and the syrup. 

"I also picked up some pancake mix and syrup since your fridge is so barren." She smiled as I set our plates down and she immediately began pouring a liberal amount of syrup onto her cakes. 

"Thanks." She said nothing else and just started eating. 

"I'm going to post this on Tinder. See if anyone wants to wife me after this meal." I laughed out. Lapis just rolled her eyes and kept eating. 

I studied her face as she ate and noticed she had dark bags under her eyes, her hair was unusually messy, and she looked a bit more pale than usual. 

"How did you sleep last night?" I questioned after a unbearable silence had settled. 

"I... I slept just fine. And you?" She didn't even make eye contact and just kept shoveling in the pancakes. 

"A rather stiff spot to sleep but it was okay. That couch looks deceivingly more comfortable than it is." I nodded at the couch as she only nodded back in agreement. 

Now, for all the many years I have known Lapis she has never been one to be quiet around someone she's comfortable with. She could even be a little too boisterous sometimes but right now? She was just awkward and cold. Or maybe it was me? 

Neither of us spoke as we finished our pancakes, Lapis only breifly mumbling something about a shower amd a thank you as she left for the bathroom. As soon as the door shut I was left to my thoughts. 

Certainly I hadn't done anything wrong. I made food and coffee and kept mostly from prying into her nightmares she must've had last night. I could hear her wimpering in her sleep. What she wouldn't know was how I went in there and made sure she was tucked in and set her favorite whale stuffed animal in her arms to comfort her while she slept. Stars, I could've sworn that when I put the whale in her arms I saw a hint of a smile. 

I sighed and washed the morning dishes before putting on clothing that didn't have pancake mix on it. 

Sitting on the couch in the livingroom I scrolled lazily through photo's on my phone before coming across one of Lapis and I. She had a big grin on her face as she kissed my cheek and my tounge was sticking out. A little momento from when we went to the state fair with Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet, three childhood friends. 

My mind left it's daydreams as I heard the bathroom door open and footsteps going from the bathroom to Lapis's room. 

She needs time to think maybe? To process her dream? Maybe I'll bring it up and see if she wants to talk.

"Hey Peri? Got a question..." Lapis called from in her room and I followed her voice.

First thing I noticed was Lapis was still only in her towel. Second was how she looked so damn perfect with the bits that I could see which left me wanting to see more. 

"Earth to Peri? I know I'm great to look at but at least take me on a date first." I blushed and looked away pretending to be really interested in her floor. 

"Anyway, I just wanted to talk." She smiled sheepishly and threw on a sweatshirt that looked like Queens outfit from Persona 5, underwear, and yoga pants all while the towel remained around her. 

"Uh sure... what's up?" I sat on her bed and she sat as well while twirling her fingers. 

"I need your help with burning some things." Then pulling out a small box from under her bed. I took it and when I opened it my heart sank. 

There was apology letters, picutes, small trinkets, and a few promise rings all from Jasper. I recognized it all because wach time an item was given Lapis would show me with joy.

"Lapis..." my gaze went from anger at Jasper to softness as I saw Lapis who looked ashamed.

I smiled and put my hand on hers, looking in her eyes. 

"We're going to burn this tonight. Then I've gotta go home." She smiled and put her head on my shoulder. I could feel her breath ghost my cheek. 

"Peridot... thank you." 

"Lapis you would do it for me so it's no big deal." My cheeks heated up as she snuggled closer to me. 

"Not just for this but.... all those years ago when you saved me. You made me delete Jasper from my phone. You made me choose, realize how awful she was, the situation was. If you wouldn't have done what you did.... I don't think I would be here." Her hand tightened around mine. 

"Lapis....I..." 

"No Peridot I mean it. You saved my life. And I owe it to you to be better then..... a shriveling nightmare filled mess."

"Lapis no." This struck quite a few heartstrings and I grabbed her face in my hands. 

"Lapis listen. You are strong. You didn't need me really. I was just there guiding you. In reality you did all the hard work. You realized with only a little help from me that what was going on was wrong. And to ask for help requires even more strengh than anything else. You choked down your pride and your want to do it alone to ask for help. And for getting though all of this, the abuse and trauma, I'm so proud of you. Sure you may still have nightmares, a few cracks in your otherwise strong facade, or even a weakness in that iron will of yours. None of that changes the fact that you have gone through so much yet refuse to be a worse person. That you chose to be better every day and you chose to move on from the awful things that happened. Lapis you are stronger than any other woman I've ever met and I'm indescribably proud of you." I felt something warm fall on my finger and saw tears in Lapis's eyes. 

"Peri..." she barely got a word out before she happily sobbed into my shoulder, my arms falling around her to rub softly on her back. 

"Love you Peri." Lapis mumbled between her sobs. 

My face and heart felt like they were on fire. I knew she meant in only a friend way but part of me hoped... maybe it would mean more. No, those are selfish thoughts. 

"Love you too Lazuli. Now stop crying or you'll make my only dry shirt wet you clod." She choked a laugh out and I grinned slyly in response. Grabbing one of her hands and the box of Jasper's things I led her out of her appartment and to a park that was only a 5 minutes walk away, our hands connected the whole time. When we got there I put the box in a grill pit and pulled a lighter out of my pocket. Then a small emergency bottle of mineral oil. 

"What? You just carry that around?" She deadpanned as I poured it all onto the box. 

"Yes. For my robanoids. And also, I think that it's best we do this now, that way it has more time to sink in and I'll be here if anything happens." I then held the lighter out to her. 

"Do the honors ma'am." She looked at the box, the lighter, me, then the box again. Slowly taking the lighter she lit it and lowered it to the box, a flame lighting instantly. 

I grabbed her hand again and I felt her hand that had been clamped to mine slowly loosen into comfort. 

We stood and watched the box and it's contents burn in silence. After she was satisfied with what little remained we left and walked back to her appartment. 

Lapis walked inside and flopped onto the couch and I did the same. 

"Thanks Peri. I feel like there's a weight off my chest that I didn't even know was there." She smiled and I smiled back. 

"Wanna play a round of Mario Kart? Bet I can still kick your ass." Lapis smiled with an eyebrow raised and it was game on. 

After 4 rounds Lapis was one spot behind me in a tie breaking round. The infamous cheat as she was I still let her distract me.

"Peridot, there's one last thing I need to do." I turned to her and her face was quite close to mine. 

"Just a little something to remember you buy before you leave again...." she wispered before moving even closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo sorry for the long wait. I've been busy as all hell. Heres anktber chapter and hoo boy is the next one gonna be spicey. 
> 
> -Azrael


End file.
